"If they are not Him... they do not matter."

Pre-depression (no, not the "great depression" kind, the sad take meds kind) I loved to read. I read all the time. At night, in school, on busses, car rides, etc. I loved reading. However, when I started showing symptoms of depression and was losing interest in things, reading was the first to go. I did not have the energy to read, so I didn't. But, as I embark on this journey to get back to myself, I have started reading again. I stole two books from my mom (sorry mom), and started with one called "She Laughs". Let me tell y'all. It already has hit HARD and I am on page 50.

I have never been the kind who can just be content alone, but at the same time I have never been the one who has had a plethora of friends to hang out with. I have never been the one being invited, just the one doing the inviting. I have always felt like a loner. Not in a bad way, in a (as Tommy calls it) alpha female type of way. I just keep my circle small. I don't do drama. I don't do stress. I don't do fake. However, this seems to follow me a lot. Let's dive in to that I Hate Claire Club I have briefly mentioned and not told many. Band-aid = ripped off.

In junior high I was a band nerd. First chair trumpet, annoying, loud, band nerd. On our way to Solo and Ensemble in seventh grade, all my girlfriends sat together on the bus. I was a little late, and asked my friend if we could switch places on the bus so I could sit by my friends. One of these girls stood up and told me, "Claire no matter where you sit you will just be ignored." So, I stayed in my seat across the bus and hid my tears. I looked up Bible verses and tried my hardest to not let that get to me. Fast forward to that night. Every girl on that bus had a slumber party, and I was not invited. Here is where the club started. No, they did not straight up call themselves the "I Hate Claire Club." That's what my family named them because it is what they were. They had a name, and would tell everyone but me what it meant. It hurt. All these "friends" were behind my back hanging out, and I was alone.

In classes they would all sit together and gossip and point at me. Being from a small town there was no escaping this. It was everywhere. In the hallways I would always hear them talking about me. My mom told me to stand up for myself, so I did. That's a funny story for another time. Standing up for myself didn't solve anything though. It just continued. No one talked to me. They kept hanging out. I was alone. In high school when sports started it just got worse. I was told to not talk, be quiet, sit and listen by these girls. I was told I was not good enough.

I never understood it. Not until I just read the first few chapters of this book. Sure, I know that all of this has a purpose. All of it has a reason why. God has a plan. But it does not ease the pain of it happening. And it still happens! I am not saying it is all solved. Girls who hang out without me for no apparent reason. Things I am not invited to. It all just hurts.

But here's the thing that made me break down today. "If they are not Him, they do not matter." Geez. That's it. Who am I to be sad over opinions that are weak when the Father looks at me and says I am loved? Who am I to be sad when I do not get invited to a hangout when Jesus invited me to eternal life with Him? Who am I to count my friends when the God of the universe counts me as His? Maybe these girls I have been surrounded by don't get that. I know I didn't. I thought I did, but I really didn't. I wanted to fit in. Be apart of a group. Be invited to the slumber parties.

I am invited. Invited to Heaven. I am here to invite others to join me. It's an open invitation. Jesus did not die on the cross just for some of us. All of us. Saved. Worthy. Loved. I know He would take me to half-price drinks at Sonic if He could.

Being alone is not easy for me. But I know I am not. Neither are you. Growing up my big sister figure pointed out that when I only see one set of footprints in the dirt it's because God is carrying me. He has wrapped me up, held me close, and carried me. I am slowly getting my feet back on the ground. Learning to be okay alone. Learning that stillness, and exercise, and clean eating, and confidence is good for me.

This life is hard. It is not meant to take on alone. Search for friends who lead you to Christ. Friends who remind you of that Heaven party coming up, and ask you who all you're bringing. If you don't find those friends fast, know you're not alone. I have yet to find those friends. But for now I know I am to be confident in myself so that when I do find them, I can be confident in who they are.

People come and go. God is here forever. "If they are not Him, they do not matter." Focus on God and He will provide.

I love you all.

Keep on keeping on,

Claire